So its time for the NFL Draft….and other NFL mumblings and rants.

Tebow Christ is ready to anoint, or is he going to be anointed?

It’s almost my b-day and that means besides getting presents and messages from people I only hear from one day a year, it’s time for the NFL Draft!

This year is very intriguing to me. I follow two teams religiously (the whole league really, but only two teams I care about). The New York Jets & the Seattle Seahawks. If they were to meet in a Super Bowl, I’d root for the Seahawks, but since they are in opposite conferences now and on opposite sides of the country, I feel no shame. I used to love going to Seahawks games on the cheap when they were complete suck in the Kingdome until just after my senior year at UW when they moved to that beautiful Seahawks Stadium (fuck off with that Qwest Field shit) that I’ve only been in once. My first pro football game was a 1986 game between the Jets and Colts (Ken O’Brien and supreme dipshit Mark Gastineau vs. some douche on the Colts) at the Meadowlands and most of my mom’s family are from Jersey and they all argue about the Jets and Giants. Fuck the Giants.

Rather than bother doing a mock draft which is a waste of time and completely stupid and boring, I’m only going to write down what I want my teams to do. I put up a picture of Tebow because he’s funny and while I enjoyed watching him in college, I like that I can make fun of him now because he’s about to be a pro and is a real Jesus freak and I hate those types of people. I also have some shit to spew on some other shit making the waves in the world of the NFL.

The Draft

My name is Mel and I'm a useless fuckface.

I’m really ticked that the dumbasses at ESPN and the NFL decided to put the damn draft on a Thursday and Friday night. Great move idiots. I used to love going out to get wrecked on Friday nights, sleeping in, then waking up and sitting around in my undies smoking weed and watching the draft. No more. I don’t know any guys who watch the draft any differently than that, but its all out the window now. Who the fuck wants to stay home on a Thursday or Friday night and watch that douchebag Mel Kiper? Not me. At least on a Saturday morning/afternoon, it was okay when you had a banger for a headache or some skeezebag to kick out.

My name is Chris and I'm an overrated fat piece of shit.

Lets start with the draft. That Sam Bradford kid is probably going to go #1 to the awful Rams. He’s going to be a good QB I bet, but he’s going to get mauled next year. I hope he doesnt get hurt.

The Seahawks have two picks before the Jets, so I’m going to focus on them first.

The Seahawks with the #6 pick take: Some big offensive lineman. Okung hopefully.

I want the Hawks to take Eric Berry with the #6, who is going to be a complete badass and pairing him in the secondary with Trufant would be downright unfair in a Pete Carroll defense (dude won a Super Bowl as DC w/ the Niners so STFU), but this team is so shitty and they need to replace Walter Jones who is older than dirt now.

The Seahawks with the #14 pick take: C.J. Spiller, RB, Clemson.

Spiller is the Chris Johnson of this draft. He’s faster than a case of the clap spreading through a Navy ship docked on some fucked up island with only one hooker. I think they may have to trade up to get him just so those twerps in San Francisco don’t get him, but I think they’re going to target that dweeb Clausen who’s totally going to suck (when was the last time a QB from ND amounted to anything but shit in the NFL?). I swear though, if I get home tonight and I find out that Clausen is a Seahawk, I’m going to fucking break something.

I don’t know what number the Jets pick, but I think its in the late 20s. Ummm, they’ll take a safety probably, I’ll take a guess and say Taylor Mays (total porno name) out of USC.

That’s it for the draft. Watching it is almost as boring as talking about it, but at least you can mute the TV and provide your own commentary when you’ve got assholes like Chris Berman and Mel Kiper on screen for 8 hours.

By the way, in that picture of that fat fuck Berman, he’s holding a copy of “The Brothers Karamazov”. I know he went to Brown, so he may have actually read it, but it’s still a hoot seeing that pig-like cunt holding that particular book.

Passion for the Tebow

Tim Tebow

I have to preface this by saying I like Tim Tebow. Before we moved to the Pacific Northwest, I spent some of my formative years in Gainesville, FL and quickly acclimated to the Gators. They were my true introduction to college football (the Spurrier years) and I still have yet to find a sports atmosphere like a Saturday at the Swamp. I got laid at that damn stadium! It’s fucking awesome needless to say.

That said, after tomorrow, I will be talking shit about Tebow regularly. Ya see, Tebow is a bible thumper and those people are stupid and funny. Apparently, before the Wonderlic test, Tebow wanted to do a group prayer and one of the other players in the room told him to “shut the fuck up“. That is so completely awesome telling the Second Coming to STFU. I really hope that dude’s name gets out sometime as I will buy his jersey rather than Tebows (unless Tim ends up a Seahawk). Tebow and family also did that shitty pro-life advertisement for “Focus on the Family” which is a conservative group that needs to be annihilated. I lost a lot of respect for Tim there. That said, I do wish him well in his pro career, but he’s probably going to go to Jacksonville just so Weaver can sell some jerseys and not have to sell his team and move it to LA. It’s probably going to happen anyway. Can you imagine Tim Tebow in LA and hanging with Spencer Pratt and Heidi’s tits? That could be some sort of awesome actually.

In truth, I do hope Tebow succeeds and proves his naysayers like that jackass McShay wrong (all draft “experts” should be shot btw), but he’s a bible thumping bonehead and I have no issue making fun of him now for that fact.

Ben Roethlisberger

Douchebag on the right, ho on the left.

This guy is a total jackass. Just look at his goddamn face! I respect the fact that he’s a big bastard, but all the junk that’s come out about him the past few weeks is absurd and I wish people like him would just get dropkicked off the face of the Earth. Why anyone would root for this guy or want him on their team is beyond me. And no, I’m not bitter for Super Bowl XL (aside from wanting to see Jerramy Stevens dead and all of the referees from that game banned for life). In my opinion, where there’s smoke there’s fire and you can bet this guy has raped a few women over the past few years.

There’s rumors abound that the Steelers may trade him. I really hope they do and I hope he goes to some cesspool of mediocrity like Cleveland (which I doubt as they’re division rivals), Buffalo, or Oakland. In fairness to Raider fans, I don’t think he deserves to go to Oakland because the Bay Area kicks ass and is far better than Pittsburgh. Hell, send him to fucking Kansas City or Denver and let that asshole McDaniels blow him. I wish Vince McMahon would bring the XFL back, and bring Josh McDaniels over just to let the Great Khali shit right on his face on the 50-yard-line while He-Hate-Me cuts a promo about how much cock Bill Belichick sucks.

What a turd. What a stupid t-shirt and that ugly fucking face. Ben Roethlisberger is an asshole and he deserved a 38 game suspension instead of 6 just for being a complete fud.

That’s it for the NFL talk. Go Hawks!

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